You know, it’s true that becoming friends with yourself can start off feeling a little sad, but after three weeks it’s like you’ve cracked a secret code. There’s no greater power than learning to love yourself, and no greater gift you can receive.
Tell me if this scenario feels familiar to you: You’ve moved to a new city full of excitement and expectation. You created a vision board, made a list of all the things you want to do, see and eat, and emptied out your camera roll to make space for new memories.
It felt wonderful at the start. There was that first moment when you stepped off the plane or out of the car, not as tourist, but as a person ready to create a home. Life felt fresh and unfamiliar. As you met new people you say yes to everything – events, dates, day trips, you name it. If it was happening, you were going. Life was easy and wonderful, all the things it should be.
But after a while you started to notice things. The cashier at the local supermarket didn’t seem to smile when you went to check-out – not sure if they were having bad day, but gosh, a smile back would have been nice. Conversations with your co-workers don’t ever really make it past small talk. And as much you love your new friends, over time you notice that you guys don’t really share the deeper values.
It happens. For me the feeling hit deepest when I moved to Spain. Something about being away from family and not speaking the same language really adds spice to the loneliness you know? I knew some people like that before: they’d ask themselves, “What should I do?” “How can I get along better with people?” “What can I change about myself to make more friends?”
Meh. If you don’t vibrate with people, you don’t vibrate with them. There’s nothing wrong with that.
It happens.
How I Built My Inner Friendship
So what did I do?
I searched online how to cope with loneliness in a new city. Most of the answers were to join a Facebook group or find a class to attend.
They are wonderful ideas, and I tried them out. Not a single one brought me regret: taking night salsa classes, going for excursions, hanging out with new people. But they didn’t solve the deeper problem: I felt alone, misunderstood.
I was looking for something – someone that would see me. And one day an epiphany came. Why don’t I just see myself?
Look Alive!
Consider this often overlooked fact: there are always signs around, advertising things you might enjoy. Orchestras, plays, cooking classes, you name it. A lot of the things I saw were things I had wanted to try, but didn’t because I couldn’t find someone to go with.
Looking back, that’s kind of a paradox, isn’t it? Like deciding that you’re not allowed to do the things you desire because your not good enough alone. There must always be a second. I wonder where we learn that.
I had a desire: go to the Michael Jackson show. Go to the carnival. Go to the beach town. Well, one day I decided that being a good friend to me meant listening to myself. I was shaking in my little booties, mind you, but I went. And each time I had a blast.
We underestimate how much fun our own company is. Seriously, no one is going to think you’re more of a blast than you. Once we decide to let go of embarrassment, hanging with ourselves can be even more fun than doing things with friends. Even as an extravert, I never regretted doing things I’ve always wanted to do on my own. It was far better, in my opinion, to laugh alone then to not laugh at all.
Use this List
Use the following list and take some time to connect with your soul!
You don’t have to join an online community if you don’t want to, or commit to an activity you don’t enjoy to make friends. Instead, try these steps:
- Go on a walk
No headphones, no distractions. Take 30 minutes to walk around your city and see what catches your eye. Make note of it. Find the similarities in the things that peak your interest. This will help you draw the line between who you are, and who the world has told you you’re supposed to be. The more you know who you are, the more you’ll discover the kind of things you truly like.
2. Go to a restaurant by yourself
I still struggle with this one myself. A times that little voice in the back of my head goes “What will people think if they see me alone?” It’s easy to start thinking about all the potential reactions. Before I know it, I scare myself out of going. But there is a trick. If you catch yourself doing this, think about all the times you’ve seen people eating alone. Did you think anything of it? Do you remember what the person looked like? Probably not, right? Well, if you don’t remember them, chances are people won’t remember you either. Try this logic and see if it helps you visit a restaurant you’ve been dying to eat at.
3. Leave when you’re no longer enjoying yourself
Doing this teaches us two things: How to be honest with ourselves about our feelings, and how to take control of our lives. It might seem strange at first. Arriving to an event or sitting down at bar only to leave halfway through the night could cause you to feel some guilt. That’s completely normal. In these situations, remind yourself that your time and energy are limited. Our lives are much too short to force ourselves to do things we don’t want to do. If you would rather be at the carnival around the corner from the bar you’re in, go to the carnival. If you’re not enjoying the food at the restaurant you’re in, pay and leave. Our feelings will tell us when we’re doing what is right for ourselves. If we get in the practice of honoring them, we’ll find ourselves living much happier lives.
4. Buy the tickets first
Before you ask anyone if they want to go with you; before you send the link in the group chat or post it on you story – buy the ticket. Once the vendor has your hard-earned money, you have committed to your plans with yourself. That way, even if no one comes along, you will still experience the joy you were looking forward to. You might even come across a surprise! My favorite experience: I wanted to see Doctor Strange 2 in the middle of dissertation season. Everyone was studying around the table, but I knew I needed a fun break. I walked to the theater by myself in the late afternoon, and guess what? It was completely empty. Talk about luxury experiences.
Following these four steps turned me from a tortured observer to my very own best friend. And since then I’ve turned that corner, the connections I make with people are the type that cause me to feel loved down in my soul.
When we make our happiness our priority, the Universe makes it It’s priority as well. So don’t be afraid to lean in; learn to love your quirks, dreams and desires! After all, if you don’t love yourself, how can anyone else?
I love you!
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