Transformation Awaits!
Alone! That’s how I arrived in Barcelona. Just me, my bags and a dream. I stepped of the train and beheld the most beautiful city I had ever seen. Arching designs over doorways, cobblestone streets, little shops lining the road under every apartment building. I got lost in it. It was like magic.
It wasn’t long before I felt at home. The people felt familiar, and I wasn’t worried about learning the dialect or understanding their culture. I felt on top of the world, Rapunzel when she danced in the street. And being Rapunzel without a tower is a different story.
I needed to feel like a queen out there. Like I was in my own power, attractive, seductive. That means that you get trained. Did you know that? I had a particular experience that forced me into a new relationship with myself. I went from a wide eyed study abroad student to a young business woman in a blink, and my concept of my body, my femininity, and how I was treated played a large part in that.
If you’re ready for a more respectful experience – one where your boundaries are honored and where you’re treated with kindness and respect from peers, mentors, and strangers, keep reading. I’m going to teach you how to get there by removing the not-so-good from your self image.
Boundary Crossings
Is it me or does every parent have the nightmare when their daughter says she wants to go to Europe?
Don’t get taken!
I wasn’t gonna get taken of course, but the fear was in the back of my head. Like if it wasn’t me… it was gonna be someone else right?
Surprise, it WAS me! I mean not really – looking back I figured it must happen to women all the time – a simple fix is all that’s needed. But the circumstances were scary you know?
So let me tell you what happened and how I built a self-image solution out of it.
The Friend from Work
So I made a friend at my Reserve unit in Germany. We felt like, a similar excitement about life. I like going out, I like adventure, eating new things, let’s live! That kind of friend. And I was certain he was gay. Well he lived in Madrid and I in Barcelona, and the EXCELLENT train system took the trip down from 9 hours to 2! So of course we planned a weekend.
Now I’d felt those wonderings of maybe this isn’t a good idea, I don’t know him that well, he’s kind of weird lol. But it seemed like it was gonna be fun! Well… it wasn’t. Surprise surprise.
I knew it was bad when I was met with chocolates at the train station. By the end of lunch I had asked him not to stroke my face, grab me, or hold my freaking hand. All in 2 hours.
Alone in the evening, I called my sisters and told them what was happening. They promptly told me to get on the first train out of there. I was scrambling at that point. Buy a ticket, it’s not leaving til the morning, where do I stay, what do I do? My big sister FaceTimed me and refused to get off the phone until I was safely at my own AirBnB.
Boy, the conversation I had with myself on the way back was serious! I said “Kayla this cannot be a thing we do.” Suddenly my self image had to change.
How to Upgrade your Self Image
Two days later my therapist was telling me to affirm that I was worthy of respect and dignity. But I wanted to take it a step further: I wanted to eliminate all themes of harassment, objectification and more from my life experience.
Before we start:
- Know that no one has the right to treat you with less respect than you deserve.
- It’s not your fault, and there’s nothing you did to earn that treatment. People like that treat everyone the same way.
- You can bring it to an end with little to no effort.
Ready? Here’s how it goes.
After my therapy session, I read a blog post that said that you can’t control what others do, but you can influence it. The energy you give to yourself is the energy you receive from the Universe, so if I wanted men to feel uncomfortable with objectifying me, I had to stop doing it to myself first.
Now I will say that I was… not offended, but certainly affronted. How was I objectifying myself?
But I took a few deep breaths and asked myself, “What if the author is right?“ I created this experiment.
How to Do It
Step 1
I looked in the mirror and made a note of the thoughts I had about my appearance.
Step 2
I started asking myself: Why do I pay attention to this? Is it because it’s important for my health, or to express myself? Or is it because I know that other people care about it too?
Step 3
I used this for myself – If I can’t say with conviction, that I cared because of the first two reasons, it would go on a list of things I would not give attention to that week.
My list was long. It turned out I cared about everything:
- My makeup
- My hair
- What I wore
- How I exercised
- My nails
- My accessories
- My posture
- My tone of voice
- My hand gestures
- My vocabulary
If I wasn’t sure about my reasons for caring, I would just try saying out loud “It’s important to me because I want to express myself” or it’s “Important for my health.” If I felt any discomfort in my heart or mind, I knew that it wasn’t.
Step 4
For a week I had at the list of things I was doing because it made my happy – exercising, trying new fashions, and playing with my accessories – and focused on expressing myself through it. Which earrings would help this feel more sunny, what dress gives beachy?
For everything else, I set it aside. A basic slick hairstyle that was easy to do and easy to maintain, straighten my posture just when slouching hurts, and keep my nails and makeup basic. Completely neutral.
The Results
Well… my experiences did a 180 in less than 2 weeks.
I am what the Spaniards call “Morena Americana” (American-born Afro-Latinas). And while Barcelona is particularly known for being a melting pot, there weren’t many brown skinned girls. So I got a lot of stares.
Before this exercise they felt kind of wondrous. But after I started, the looks changed. They were more… respectful. Instead of watching me, people would come up to me and compliment, ask me where I got my outfit from (always Zara), or tell me how flattering my choices were to me.
No more look-at-the-exotic-foreign-girl. I loved it.
With men, my interactions went from let me take you out to can I get your opinion on this? I felt important.
I saw unfolding before my eyes that expressing the essence of you brings a much deeper love to you than the outer stuff. Your relationships are fulfilling, your interactions in the street are fun. And the healing that brings has a significant positive effect on the outside.
Why does this work?
From the body’s point of view, practices like these enhance the neural pathways associated with self-love and self-affirmation. These positively affect most systems in the body – they improve your digestive tract functioning and lymphatic system (reducing inflammation in the skin, acne, etc.), upgrade areas of emotional regulation, and more.
Metaphysically, this kind of exercise works because it improves your vibrational point of attraction. Always remember: What you put your focus on expands. So if your focus your attention on what makes you feel seen, heard, personally expressed and more, you’ll attract people and experiences that reflect that. For example, since my primary focus was on clothes, I ended up attracting the pure-hearted fashionistas.
How Should I Start?
- Start this exercise by meditating first! Take 5 minutes to clear your mind before you head to your mirror.
- Make mental notes or write down on a piece of paper what you think of while you get ready for the day. Be nice to yourself! Just jot the general topic.
- When you have your list, take a break. Come back when you’re ready and ask simply: authentic expression or approval? You’ll know your truth as you ask. Then follow the instructions above and start your experiment!
Years Down the Line
Once you start, the change sinks into your foundation. You go from I’m just a girl (or guy) to ‘I am royalty and unfamiliar with treatment that does not reflect that.’ You’ll get to sit back and observe how people forgo their usual tactics and opt for good, respectful treatment, and you’ll go from someone who once desired it to now living in it. It’s not simply a phase – it’s a shift in your identity.
Try this experiment out and see how it works for yourself! Remember, you don’t have to throw all of your makeup away (please don’t do that). Just go back to the basics – that first time that you felt proud of your makeup, the outfit that made you feel confidence for the first time. Put your energy into that and watch how your world changes!
If you need some loving inspiration, buy a Love Journal! You can purchase the digital version here and the physical copy here!
I love you! Update us on your life changes in the comments 🤍
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