This might be the biggest lie ever told: women have to be tough and unyielding to deal with bad vibes in the workplace. Group of people coming together against you? A superior with less-than-professional habits? Yeah, I’ve been there. It’s frustrating, scary, and in some cases humiliating.

Years ago when it seemed like I had no way out, I found myself in the middle of soul searching. And do you know what I discovered? The “girls-need-to-toughen-up” mantra couldn’t be further from the truth. 

The key to conquering bad vibes in the workplace is in your compassionate, nurturing spirit. Let me share with you what I’ve learned. 

Male Dominated Spaces

I was born into a military family, so I joined at 18 as it was the obvious thing to do. My childhood was filled with so many promotion ceremonies and uniforms that civilian life seemed imaginary. 

My first morning PT (physical fitness training at 5:30 AM) was what you might expect. Yelling, mosquito bites, and the certainty that my 3 mile run would make me cough up blood. But I got through it, and I was proud.

I tried my best to be the smartest little soldier there could be. My scores were high, I did well on my physical exams, and before I knew it, I was at the top of my class. It was to be expected of course, as I had a legacy to uphold. And everyone knew my older sister who had gone before me. 

The image of the quiet, competent cadet was building inside me. I could only hope I measured up.

Well.

They’re So Annoying

I never imagined it would happen to me, but before my eyes the story same old story unfolded – a young woman succeeding in a male dominated space, subjected to all manner of disrespect. 

Older men felt threatened and applied extra pressure, peers of both genders tried their hand at manipulation since they couldn’t compete in other areas. 

Usually in those situations I would cry, but I was on my own and my mother didn’t raise a punk. I remember using the phrase “I’m no one’s punching bag,” and decided to get tough. No one would mess with me if I could defend myself. And since I’d experienced bullies in middle and high school, college was no problem. The way I saw it, I was a vet. Bad vibes would run from me when I was through!

Woah there, girl!

You might be thinking yeah Kayla, get ’em! (I love you; you and my mom would get along so well).

Slow your roll darling.

Here’s the thing: the Army is a team. You can’t have infighting, and you can’t have leaders who feel unsafe around their subordinates. It’s the first part of dividing and conquering, and we don’t want to do the bad guy’s work for them. 

Aside from that, I’m Christian, and Jesus clearly states in Matthew chapter 5, verse 39:

“But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

If you are whining or rolling your eyes, I love you even more.

Our response to hostilities influences how we respond to all things. And if you’re in your girl boss, entrepreneurial, self-starter era, it is imperative that you learn how to exercise mercy and restraint. So here’s the climax and how I responded to the bad vibes.

Anonymous Comments

We do something called anonymous peer reviews. Everyone’s name is put down on sheets of paper, and we all get to write what we think about them without having to identify ourselves. It’s meant to allow for complete honesty and transparency. 

But some people just take it as a chance to be mean.

When it’s time for counseling, our mentors set the reviews up side-by-side with our other evaluations. Those include physical fitness, class grades, extracurricular involvement and mentor notes. 

Now y’all know me: ten, ten, ten across the board. Excellent grades and fitness scores, plus I was getting our commander involved with the college programs – community outreach anyone? My professor was beaming with pride and told me how he saw great things in my future. 

Then… he slid over the peer review. I still remember his hesitant expression. It was like the bad vibes were leaking from the paper. Slowly, he told me to take my time, read it, and tell him what I thought. 

When I say them people dragged me through the mud??

I am not exaggerating – they called me everything but a child of God. In a class of 30, I received TWO non-mean comments, and one of them was “Average.”

Do Not Panic, Do Not Take Bad Vibes Personally

All credit to my professor who never broke eye contact with me and assured me that this was normal. 

This is what he said: “Clearly these things aren’t true. That means there is a perception about you that you have the power to change.”

Here’s what I was to do, and what I want you to try:

Open up. Let your peers see what kind of person you really are.

In those days (this was 2018, mind you) I had the role of the mother of the friend group. I wasn’t sure if it was professional, but I decided to let my personality show. 

My days became getting to know my classmates deeper, asking about people’s family and interests to find similarities. I offered to help with things that I knew they didn’t actually need help with, but were probably glad not to do alone. Everyone became my friend in some way, even the friendship amounted to no more than eye contact during a laugh. 

You would not believe how quickly they switched up. 

In the space of four months I went from being the girl who didn’t know anything to the sweetest, kindest person they knew, and in the words of a few, potentially the best in the program. The bad vibes disappeared like smoke.

Promotion Incoming!

After a year I saw the fruits of my labor: I was appointed Chief of Operations. I was in charge of everything, oversaw a team of my own, and answered to no one except the commander.

All of this is to say that I know it sucks when you don’t get along with your colleagues. Worse still if it seems like the bad vibes might affect your position. No one wants to go home worrying about their money.

The secret here is that when women allow their maternal instincts to guide them, we naturally succeed. We’re taught that in a professional environment being caring is a weakness, but really the opposite is true.

Everyone has a child inside them that needs to feel safe or gain someone’s approval. Let that approval come from you!

What’s more is that if the person or people in question hurt you in the past, but you find the strength to forgive them? They’ll become your greatest supporters.

Say this with me: I refuse to crash out.

You’re a Warrior Goddess (or god)

There is no greater test of inner strength than this. You can be broke and force a way to make money, you can be heartbroken and find a way to keep going, but who can stand before jealousy?

It takes God.

Set yourself aside and breathe, remind yourself that it’s temporary (because God does not keep His children in places where they aren’t appreciated), and remember that it isn’t a true reflection of who you are.

Your response is.

It Gets Better

It’s tough, but once you start, you can live by these principle for the rest of your life. Today I’m a second-in-command in the big Army, typing this post on my phone as I supervise training from a tower. 

I’ve only become kinder since then.

Final Thoughts

It’s okay if you get swept up in the girl-boss-defeat-the-men race.

It’s perfect, actually – you’re mastering the energy in you that DOES, builds, and creates! It can be fiery, hard to control, chaotic or even dangerous. But if you’re willing to give it time and practice, you can become someone who is calm, measured, and precise in all things.

Add a pinch of nurturing love to the mix, and you become a woman of standing. People who intimidated you before start relying on you – and not for your hard working spirit, but for your feminine wisdom. That common sense that only you can provide, the quiet emotional fortitude that makes you remarkable. 

It’s what great leaders are made of.

I hope this helps if you’re having problems at work. Try opening up a bit and tell me how things work out! I love you!

If your compassion stores are running on empty, buy the Compassion Workbook on Etsy and fill ‘er up!