This one is for my over achievers, my artists, my people who are just figuring things out. You’ve done a pretty freaking good job, all things considered.
You have a nice home, solid friends, your relationship with your family leans to the healthy side, and you’re proud of your work. Nothing’s missing, nothing’s wrong.
But for some reason, when people pass you on the street, you find yourself wishing you could be like them. “Gosh, what I’d do if I had that person’s confidence.”
It’s like they figured out the secret that no one else knows. And you’ve done your research – the mindset coaches are no stranger to your eyes. You’ve followed their advice and seen some results, but there’s still a gap that you know you could bridge if you just had the right information.
Celebrate, my friends! You’ve come to the right place. I found the answer 3 years ago, and it doesn’t require scouring your memory for every traumatic event you’ve ever experienced (although if you’re into that, do it. You’d be surprised what you find). No, the way to bonafide confidence is simple and straightforward. Stay consistent and you’ll see the change in just a few weeks. Keep it up and your life will change forever.
Backstory
In December of 2020, I made the decision to be nicer to myself. I had started the self-help deep dive a year earlier, learning all of my important numbers and letters. I felt a greater understanding of myself, and observing the way I interacted with people suddenly filled me with clear sight I’d hadn’t experienced before.
But while I enjoyed the feeling, I noticed (with the help of my therapist) that I engaged in a lot of negative self-talk. Negative self-talk are the conversations you have with yourself that feel less than kind. Anything from I’m so f***** stupid to This is not my best work.
Think of it this way – if your parents or sibling said it to you, loudly, at a family gathering, would you take offense? Cousins and aunties, uncles and grandparents watching with wide eyes? If your answer is yes, it’s negative self-talk.
Now, this kind of internal conversation is normal. Most of us aren’t used to kind words, or if we are, they come with an aftertaste of envy or judgment. In my case, the words were just plain mean. So my therapist gave me some homework: during the two weeks in between appointments, I was to keep a small notebook on hand, and tally every time I thought something negative about myself.
I wasn’t sure what was considered normal, and I was sure I had a healthy relationship with myself, so I just went for it. During our next appointment I gave her my number: anywhere from 65 to 90 thoughts a day.
Have you ever heard your therapist gasp?
…Yeah.
She took a deep breath, and then told me that that was a lot.
The most important relationship we have is the one with ourself. It’s a reflection of what we have with the world, and it patterns all of our interactions with it. She was concerned about the sheer volume (and rightfully so because I was sure I’d missed a tally here and there), so we jumped into the work.
A little brain science
As I was graduating with a Neuroscience degree at the time, her explanation for my homework was easy to understand. Our brain creates pathways based on emotions. The stronger the emotion, the stronger the pathway.
This is how traumatic memories take hold. When the emotion is triggered, a signal runs into the brain and heart that reignites that old memory, and depending on its severity, can do anything from activate a dis-regulated nervous system, ie. anxiety, to triggering flashbacks.
But neuroscientists have figured out the opposite side of the coin: positive emotions are 3 times stronger than negative ones. That means that even casual positivity – like that feeling you get after a good night of sleep and wake up to chirping birds – can replace the deepest traumas with repetition.
So here was her homework for me:
Every time I caught myself having a negative thought, I was to replace it with:
- Three positive thoughts about myself
- Three positive thoughts about people and the world in general
- Three positive thoughts about my future – all surrounding the topic I’d had the negative thought about
Along with that, I was to write 9 general good-feeling things about the above topics and repeat them to myself in the morning, afternoon, and evening.
If it sounds like a lot, you are absolutely right. A good CBT therapist is like a college chemistry professor – you’ll hate the amount of work they assign, but if you do it, it works.
Before the end of the year, I’d made the decision to move abroad, start my own business, and as a bonus, God showed me who I’d be marrying and started me on the kingdom spouse journey (some might know it as the divine counterpart or twin flame).
At the same time I started losing weight, my skin cleared up, I completed my officer basic training with honors, got accepted into business school in Barcelona and got so good at day trading that I was making thousands of dollars in minutes!
My life changed so dramatically for the better that the old things just didn’t fit anymore. Happy became my baseline, and this beautiful spirit of mine began to show her face.
What I’ve seen since then is that everybody is different. If you’ve struggled with depression for a while, please consider trying out the method above. But if you haven’t, great news! Your path is easier – all it requires persistence.
Step-by-step instructions to embody the Confidence Mindset!
So, how do you become your most confident self? This is the way:
Write down every nice thing a person has ever said about you. You’re kind, you’re talented, you give off natural clean girl vibes, you have a good eye for design.
Write it down, repeat it to yourself every single day, and assume that any negative feedback that comes after that day is a lie.
I know. Easy right? Almost too easy?
Not to worry. Life is meant to be easy. My spiritual people will know this: suffering is the lie. Things are meant to fall into your lap: friends, lovers, money, travel, you name it. And being in the right place at the right time is how you find the ingredients to create your dream life. #222
But how does one get to the right place at the right time? How do you know when or where it is?
Begin with your confidence. Start by assuming that the universe has given you pieces and clues in your relationships over your lifetime.
Think about that time a stranger told you that your smile made their day, that client who didn’t know that you’d went with your gut and told you that it changed their life. When we lean into the things that yield us good feelings and success, more good feelings and success are produced.
Let’s get started!
So, your homework is to get a pen and paper (no phone!), and write down 7 things you’ve been complimented on.
For the next week, repeat these to yourself every day, as often as you need. If it feels like a lie, try repeating it whenever you start to feel down. If you know that they’re true, maybe before you get out of bed and before you go to sleep is best.
I guarantee, your image of yourself will skyrocket before the end of the seven days. And if you keep it up for 30 days, you will unlock a version of yourself that is unrecognizable.
You can do it! I love you 💚
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