If you’ve ever tried to lose weight you know this stage: You’ve been consistent with your diet and exercise, your clothes are looser, and people are making wonderful comments about how much you’ve changed. You know it’s true and you’re proud of yourself… but for some reason when you look in the mirror, you don’t see the difference. You just see how far you have to go. That’s where I’m at.

I’m making some changes to my closet based on a fashion-induced body positivity revelation I had at the beginning of the year. You see, I cracked the code to confidence and it was so simple that I decided to make it my life. The key? Only wear things that make you feel good. This is the story of how I discovered it.

During my second semester of business school in Barcelona, a friend invited me to his birthday dinner at a beautiful restaurant. Located on the roof of a renovated industrial building, 1881 per Sagardi looks over some of the most famous parts of the city: Barceloneta, the Port of Barcelona, and El Born.

Off to the West you can see the W Hotel glittering, a massive blue and purple sail that reminds me of the Burj Al Arab in Dubai. To the North, the Templo del Sagrado Corazón glows atop of Mount Tibidabo.

With such beautiful views, the atmosphere certainly had to match. Businessmen and families can be seen streaming in and out of the building in the evening, dressed in well-tailored shirts and sleek gowns. The sounds of laughter floated down to the streets against clinking wine glasses and soft music. Clearly, my friend had good taste in restaurants.

What a nice restaurant… do I have something to wear to that? What will everyone else wear? I mused on the thoughts each time I passed nearby. It wasn’t that important, I told myself – it was a birthday dinner after all; the only thing that mattered was the person we were celebrating.

But for some reason, I was thrilled at the thought of getting ready. It filled me up with a girlish excitement I hadn’t felt in a while.

As we got closer to the dinner, I would walk down the street and visit the 5 (yes 5) Zara’s in my area. Every couple of days a new section of clothing would appear, so I got in the habit of poking my head in a few times per week. I had a beautiful vision in my: a simple, brown, long-sleeved midi dress. Elegant, basic, something I could cover with jewelry without it being too much.

The morning of the dinner came in a flash, and I didn’t have anything to wear. My roommates talked excitedly about their planned outfits while I searched my closet for a backup, wondering why I hadn’t spotted the dress. I was so sure it existed. It wasn’t out of season, right?

Thoughts started creeping into my mind as I began to worry. It was just a dress. It was just a dinner outfit. Today wasn’t my birthday, so I shouldn’t be so invested in my appearance. One by one they passed through until I was sure that I had been acting conceited and immature.

I decided to go for a quick stroll to clear my head. While I walked, I silently chanted a mantra that my choice of clothing didn’t make me any more or less worthy of love. I took deep breaths, emptied my mind, and focused on the ever-present smell of coffee and fresh bread in the air.

By the time I was ready to go home, I was filled with gratitude for simply being able to go to a nice dinner, and chose to let go of my search. I turned around, prepared to head back to my apartment.

And found myself in front of another Zara.

You know how they say the moment you let go of your manifestations is the moment they appear? Well, I can confirm. I thought I was crazy at first. Kayla, you went for a walk to clear your head. Looking for the dress is the opposite of clearing your head. I had no idea how I ended up there – I had just planned on going one or two blocks. I certainly hadn’t been thinking about shopping.

But I figured since I was already there it wouldn’t hurt to have a peek inside, just in case something new had shown up.

Lo and behold.

As I walked into the store, I felt something drawing me over to the escalator. My feet followed each other as my eyes scanned the racks, wondering if it maybe there was something there for me. I rounded the corner. My feet came to a stop.

There on the wall in front of me was a dark brown dress with one long sleeve, hanging down to my calves. A crew neckline, fitted and stretchy with no adornments. Exactly what I was looking for. I didn’t even try it on. I picked up my size and marched over to the self-checkout, paid, and sped home.

The Power of a Dress

My mind was on fire as I headed down the street. Was this how manifestation worked? Was the Universe saying it was okay to be excited about dressing up? Should I have tried it on? My heart leapt with excitement as I walked into my building.

As soon as I entered my apartment I stepped into the dress and showed my roommates, who met me with excitement. It was perfect for me, they exclaimed, and couldn’t wait to see the finished look!

Spurred by their enthusiasm I rushed into the bathroom to start my hair and makeup: a slicked-back ponytail with swooping baby hairs, natural foundation and concealer with deep brown on the eyelids, hints of orange beneath the brow line, nude glossed lips, and dangling amber earrings I had gotten in the south of France.

After an hour I stepped back from the mirror in shock. There was someone looking back at me, but I didn’t recognize her. She looked like me to be sure, but something was very different.

She seemed… I seemed… comfortable. Relaxed. Like the dress on my body and makeup on my face suited me. Like I felt good about how I looked.

It was strange. Foreign, even. Since high school I could only remember feeling that something in my appearance was lacking: my body was too big or my clothes were too small, I had too much acne or my makeup wasn’t right.

But as my roommates expressed their approval, I could only notice the ease I felt. How it didn’t occur to me to cross-check outfits with our friends, how I hadn’t thought about how my stomach would look after I finished eating. It was like freedom. Like peace.

The night passed by in a city-lights-after-hours kind of blur. We rode down to the lobby in an elevator with a large mirror, where I watched myself in awe. As we settled into a taxi, I noticed an urge to cross my legs. While walking up to the building I felt a difference in my steps.

The food was wonderful of course – an incredible selection Mediterranean style food paired with excellent Spanish wines. We drank and laughed and took pictures, celebrating our friend with each glass.

It was an almost out of body experience as I felt myself enjoy our time together. And I couldn’t help but notice the way I felt as I walked out of that very fine, very elegant restaurant – as though I belonged there.

When we got home, I looked back at my recordings of the night. The videos showed me in a way I was sure I had never seen myself before: happy, comfortable, and relaxed.

I didn’t recall a single part in the night when I worried what other people could be thinking. That, I realized, was the power of feeling good in my skin. That was confidence.

Reflecting on the Floor

During the start of my weight loss journey, I made a daily habit of listing out the reasons I desired to lose fat. I wanted to see a certain person when I looked in the mirror, fit into certain types of clothes, be able to participate in certain activities, and so on. But the first of those reasons, always the first of those reasons was confidence. I wanted to feel confident in myself.

Looking back now, I wonder what I meant? It was something like I wanted to possess an inner forcefield that could change my life, or unlock a superpower that would help me conquer the world. I didn’t know what to visualize at the time – I couldn’t explain something I had never experienced. I just knew I wanted it.

Sitting in my room after dinner, I suddenly understood what that word meant to me. Put simply, it was the absence of worry. Confidence in my appearance meant that I didn’t feel worried about what people might think when they saw me.

Confidence in my skills meant that I didn’t worry about my ability to do things well. Confidence in myself meant I had no worries about how I made decisions. It was the complete absence of negative thoughts, paired with acceptance and enjoyment of what was. And that feeling is gold.

Now that I’ve lived it I never want to be without it. Peace of mind has the same effect as drinking coffee or eating chocolate: it’s positive and uplifting, and when it goes away, you want it back.

In fact, the “wanting it” part never truly goes away, so every decision since my dress-induced revelation has stemmed from creating peace. When I do my hair, or get dressed, or buy food, or go to an event, my question to myself is always:

Does this thing allow an absence of worry in me?

It’s as simple as yes or no. And more and more often, my answers have been yes, yes it does.

Cleaning out my closet has been a great experiment. I have fewer options now, but the ones that are there are only the kind that make me feel good. And the better I feel about myself, the better life gets.

In fact, I’d say it’s been even more helpful than my previous routine of motivational videos and sticky-note affirmations.

Despite my current challenges, I feel myself getting closer to that picture in my head. What helps me the most is my belief that if I continue looking for peace inside, one day I’ll wake up and realize that I’ve become that person.

So, in the spirit of the start of autumn, I made a promise to myself to only buy things that make me feel at peace – even if it means I only have 3 outfits to choose from.

My hope is that after a while, worry will feel like a strange illness, as foreign to me as confidence once was, and that when I look in the mirror, I won’t see how far I have to go, but how far I’ve already come.