How does one have an epiphany about their self image? Simple: travel alone!

That’s how I arrived in Barcelona. Just me, my bags and a dream. I stepped off the train and beheld the most beautiful city I had ever seen. Arching designs over doorways, cobblestone streets, little shops lining the road under every apartment building. I got lost in it. It was like magic.

It wasn’t long before I felt at home. The people felt familiar, and I wasn’t over stressed about learning the dialect or understanding their culture. I felt on top of the world, all the faith that I could do it – Rapunzel when she danced in the street. But being Rapunzel without a tower is a different story.

I had a need to feel like a queen out there. Like I was in my own power, attractive and seductive. These aren’t bad things – if anything it was a sign that I was growing up. But growing up means that you get trained by the Universe.

A particular experience came and it forced me into a new relationship with myself. I went from a wide eyed study abroad student to a young business woman in a blink, and my concept of my body, my femininity, and how I was treated played a large part in that.

If you’re ready for a more respectful experience – one where your boundaries are honored and where you’re treated with kindness and respect from peers, mentors, and strangers, keep reading. I’m going to teach you how to get there by removing the not-so-good from your self image.  

Boundary Crossings

Is it me or does every parent have the nightmare when their daughter says she wants to go to Europe?

Don’t get taken!

I wasn’t gonna get taken of course, but the fear was in the back of my head. Like if it wasn’t me… it was gonna be someone else right?

Surprise, it WAS me! I mean not really – looking back I figured it must happen to women all the time – a simple fix is all that’s needed. But the circumstances were scary you know?

So let me tell you what happened and how I built a self-image solution out of it.

The Friend from Work

So I made a friend at work who had a similar excitement about life. I like going out, I like adventure, eating new things, let’s live! I thought he would be that kind of friend, and I was certain he was gay, so when he suggested a weekend hang I happily agreed.

Now I’d felt those wonderings of maybe this isn’t a good idea, I don’t know him that well, he’s kind of weird lol. But it seemed like it was gonna be fun, other people would be present, and I didn’t want to be judgmental. A good vibes ahead kind of deal.

Surprise, it wasn’t.

I don’t think there were any platonic intentions at all, which was scary because we’d only been cool for a week. I stepped off the train expecting a casual Glad you made it! But I was greeted with chocolates and a too-tight hug that made my skin crawl. For the rest of the afternoon I was fighting off cheek strokes and trying to put the maximum space between us. I got back on the train and headed home before the night was over, and we never spoke again.

My thoughts were swimming as I sat in my room. I wondered if I had missed obvious signals, if it was even a good thing to want to feel attractive. One thing was for sure though – I never wanted to feel like that again. My self image had to change. 

How to Upgrade your Self Image

Two days later I talked to my therapist (the same one who gave me the life changing Positivity Reset exercise) who told me to affirm that I was worthy of respect and dignity. But I wanted to take it a step further: I wanted to remove all themes of physical disrespect from my life. 

Before we start:

1. Know that no one has the right to treat you with less respect than you deserve.
2. It’s not your fault, and there’s nothing you did to earn that treatment. People like that treat everyone the same way. 
3. You can enhance your self image with little to no effort. 

Ready? Here’s how it goes. 

After my therapy session, I read a blog post that said that you can’t control what others do, but you can influence it. The energy you give to yourself is the energy you receive from the Universe, so if I wanted to stop being objectified, I had to stop doing it to myself. 

Now I will say that I was… not offended, but certainly affronted. How was I objectifying myself?

But I took a few deep breaths and asked myself, “What if the author is right?” And I created this experiment.

How to Do It

Step 1

Look in the mirror and make note of the thoughts you have about my appearance. Whether you notice the little white heads around your nose, the pattern of your curl, the color of your teeth or anything else.

Step 2

Ask yourself this question:

Why do I pay attention to this?

Determine if it’s important for your health or to express yourself; or if it’s because you know that other people care about it too. 

Step 3

If you can’t say with conviction that you care for the purposes of self expression, put the item on a list of things you will not give attention or extra effort to for one week.


My list was long. It turned out I cared about everything:

1. My makeup
2. My hair
3. What I wore
4. How I exercised
5. My nails
6. My accessories
7. My posture
8. The tone of my voice
9. My hand gestures
10. My vocabulary  

If I wasn’t sure about my reasons for caring, I would just try saying out loud “It’s important to me because I want to express myself” or it’s “Important for my health.” If I felt any discomfort in my heart or mind, I knew that it wasn’t, and it went on the do not touch list.

Step 4

For a week, have fun with the things you do because they make you happy – exercising, trying new fashions, and playing with your accessories – and get really focused on expressing myself through them. Which earrings would make your fit feel more sunny, what dress gives beachy? Things like that.

For everything else, set it aside. Put your hair into an easy, low-maintenance style, keep your nails and makeup basic. Whatever’s on the do not touch list, keep completely neutral and unremarkable for 7 days.

The Results 

You will feel like a different person at the end of your 7 days – I can guarantee that.

As for me, my experiences did a complete 180. 

I am what the Spaniards call “Morena Americana” (American-born Afro-Latinas). And while Barcelona is known as a melting pot, there weren’t many brown skinned girls. So I got a lot of stares.  

Before this exercise they felt kind of wondrous and I enjoyed the attention. But after this experiment their looks changed. People suddenly became more… respectful. Instead of watching me, they would come up and give a compliment, ask me where I got my outfit from, and tell me how flattering my choices were. 

No more look-at-the-exotic-foreign-girl. I loved it.  

With men, my interactions went from “let me take you out” to “can I get your opinion on this?” I started feeling important.

You’ll get to watch as this truth unfolds before your eyes: expressing the essence of yourself calls a deeper love into your life than anything that comes from trying to meet someone else’s standards. Your relationships will be fulfilling, your interactions in the street will be fun.

And the healing that brings has a significant effect on your body and mind.

Why does this work?

For the body, this exercise enhances the neural pathways associated with unconditional love and acceptance of self. Whatever kind words your loved ones said to you in your most vulnerable moments, this practice taps into those parts of your brain and expands them. They positively affect most systems in the body, improving your digestive functioning and lymphatic system (reducing inflammation in the skin, acne, etc.), upgrading areas of emotional regulation, and more.

Metaphysically, this kind of exercise works because it improves your vibrational point of attraction. Always remember: What you put your focus on is what expands. So if your focus is on what makes you feel seen, heard, and expressed, you’ll attract experiences that reflect that. 

How Should I Start?

1. Start this exercise by meditating first! Take 5 minutes to clear your mind before you head to your mirror.
   
2. Make mental notes or write down on a piece of paper what you think of while you get ready for the day. Be nice to yourself! Just jot down the general topic – leave any psychoanalysis for your therapist!
   
3. When you have your list, take a break. Come back when you’re ready and simply ask yourself: true expression or approval? You’ll know what your truth is. Then follow the instructions and start your experiment!

Years Down the Line

Once you start, the change sinks into your foundation. You go from I’m just a girl (or guy) to ‘I am royalty and unfamiliar with treatment that does not reflect that.’ You’ll get to sit back and observe how people forgo usual tactics for kind, respectful treatment. You’ll go from someone who once thought boy, it’d be nice if people talked to me that way to being the one people think that about! It’s not simply a phase – it’s a shift in your identity and in your life. 

Try this experiment out and see how it works out! Remember, you don’t have to throw all of your makeup away (please don’t do that). Just go back to the basics – redo that routine from the first time that you felt proud of your makeup, recreate the outfit that made you feel confident for the first time. Put your energy into that and watch how your world changes!

I love you!

To receive more unconditional love in your life, buy a Love Journal!

It comes complete with Bible verses that help you tap into the Universe’s everlasting love, plus includes over 20 journal prompts to help you focus on the love in your life!

Purchase the physical copy on Amazon and the digital version Etsy!