From our archives. First published August 2022.
The end of the summer is my favorite time of the year. Flowers are in full bloom, trees are filled with glistening leaves, and when the sun sets the cool breeze and chirping cicadas create a skin-tingling ambiance. There’s always something to do, indoor or outdoor. And best of all, it’s my birthday season.
When Adulting Gets Real
A few days ago, I turned 24. I am officially in my mid-twenties. A smile always appears on my face when I think about it; I’m starting to feel more like an adult than a college student. When I tell people my age I don’t hear “You’re just a baby” or “Wow, you have so much time to figure things out” anymore. Now I get questions about what I do for a living, what my dating life is like, what my five-year plan is. Each time that little smile shows up and I catch myself thinking Yeah, I’m grown.
About 6 months ago, I wasn’t so excited about things. As the end of grad school approached, I saw a mountain of responsibilities coming my way with pressing decisions I didn’t feel qualified to make. There were two weeks where I avoided talk of adulting at any cost – I partied every chance I got, buried myself in schoolwork, and drowned my feelings out with Netflix. But as time went on and I focused more on enjoying life, I realized that the pressure I was putting on myself wasn’t necessary. Like people say: there will always be a job to apply to or an apartment to rent. But there won’t always be time to get to know yourself. So that’s what I’m choosing to focus on this year:
Figuring out who I am.
Growing up I don’t think it ever occurred to me to have a sense of identity. Things were a lot simpler: I just wanted to have fun. My parents always tell stories of how I could talk for hours about things I was excited about, how instead of playing soccer I would sit on the field and pick daisies. When I think back it always seemed to me like I was care-free kid no matter what was going on around me.
Middle and high school, however, were rough. It was there I learned that it wasn’t okay to pick daisies all the time or talk about the things I liked. I started building up walls and went to college terrified at the thought of being myself. By junior year it seemed like the only person I could really talk to was my mother.
Still Finding Myself
Over that time, I worked tirelessly to create definitions of who I was. I tried to be an aspiring medical student who studied into the early mornings. I tried to be a world traveler that inspired people through photography. There was even a time where all I wanted was to be a supportive friend – the always-compelling side character that never ran out of love or patience. None of it stuck. I never felt happier or more fulfilled. In fact, what I felt was often the opposite: drained of energy and unhappy with my life decisions.
So, here I am, 2 years of therapy and 2 degrees later, with no plans in sight. When someone asks me what I want to be, or what’s next for me, I don’t have an answer. There are no voices in my head telling me what I should do or where I should go, how I should act or what I should think. Everything is just… quiet.
And that’s the exciting part.
Joy Comes in the Morning
During my spring semester in graduate school, I developed a habit of doing things on my own. It started with little solo dates to Gelaterias and walks to enjoy the spring air – activities that I believed would seem like I was running errands instead of hanging out with myself. But the more I did it, the more I felt comfortable with being on my own.
Before I knew it, I was hiking in parks and paddle boarding at sunrise as a party of one. And in that time, I got to learn so many things about myself – things that made me wonder why I didn’t know them before. Like how there’s a direct correlation between how much I enjoy a walk and how loose my clothes are. And how my favorite desserts are the kind that aren’t too sweet, with a Ferrero-Rocherish ratio of crunchy outside to creamy filling. And how no matter what my diet looks like or how much food is in my refrigerator, I will never say no to dumplings, karaage chicken, and kimchi.
It was one wonderful surprise after another. All these interests and desires would pop up almost randomly, but the moment I honored them was when I experienced the feelings I had been searching for in the past. I felt truly seen and appreciated, like when someone gifts you something you really wanted but only mentioned in passing. The sun shone a little brighter in the mornings. The spring breeze was sweeter. Coffee was stronger, pastries were fresher. Life was suddenly full of inspiration to try more things and go to more places. It was like I had finally found my missing piece.
What I Learned
I learned that it was far more important for me to understand myself than it was to live up to someone’s expectations and made a deal to put more energy into me than anything else. Once I started, my life became much easier. I stopped stressing about my dissertation and final projects, and just made products I was proud of. The end of the year passed without a hitch, and now I officially have an MBA attached to my name.
So, when I think about what this next year is going to look like, I see myself leaning into the post-graduation limbo, embracing every question and curiosity. I want to be kind to myself, listen to my feelings, do, and think things that make me smile. And if history is any indication, I won’t have to worry about what comes next. As long as I continue to honor myself, the universe will provide everything that’s right for me.
Happy birthday to me! Here’s to year 24.
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